Gallows Humor (Cop Humor)

More Drunk Comedians

As I mentioned last week, I recently interviewed Kent The Cop, a friend and colleague, on my Writers On The Beat podcast. Here are some more highlights about our funniest DUI moments.

#4: “Eastbound and Down”

Another stereotype DUI. Really bad driving, really late at night. I stopped the car, talked to the driver, and it’s clear from Word One he’s gonna spend the night at the Maricopa County Inn. Slurred speech, car smells like a brewery, the whole nine. As part of my normal interview at the window, I ask where’s he’s headed and where he’s coming from.

“My house.”

“We’ve just met, sir, where’s your house?” He gives me an address in another city about thirty miles east of the stop. “Where ya headed?”

“Home.”

“Oh, yeah? Where’s that?” He gives me an intersection in a different city, NOT the same as three seconds ago. “Sir, which way are you going, what direction?”

“Uhh…north.”

“You’re actually headed west. Where are we right now?”

“Uhhh…Flagstaff???” He wasn’t within 200 miles of Flagstaff.

“Would you believe you’re in (My Town) right now, sir?”

He leans back and exhales hard, clearly surprised. “How the, hell, did I get to (Your Town)?! Where am I supposed to spend the night?”

I had a turn-key solution all ready to solve his particular problem.

#5: “I’d Like to Phone a Friend”

Another stereotype drunk arrest, so I’ll skip those details. He’s been pretty polite and respectful until the cuffs go on. Then, suddenly, he’s REAL angry that I’ve set about a years-long diabolical plot to ruin his life. He couldn’t use those words at the time, but that was the gist of it. Anyway, one of the things about your head boss being a public figure is that EVERYONE knows who the Chief is. Namedropping is pointless and insulting, both to me and to her. So, it goes something like this:

“Chief NAME is a friend of mine, and she’s gonna have YOUR ASS for this!”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah! Give me my phone so I can call her right now!”

“You got her cell or home number in there, huh?”

“Well, maybe not, but you have to get her here, right now!”

“No, I don’t think that’s how this works.”

“I demand to complain to Chief NAME right now, and you have to get her here! I won’t let you take me to jail!” (Psst…he’s already in cuffs and in the back of the car. He can’t stop me from taking him to Mexico at that moment.)

“Tell you what. Why don’t you give the Chief a call after we get your through Intake and see what she can do about helping you with the bail, how’d that be?”

“Okay, that seems okay.” He calms down and sits back for a couple blocks. “Hey, cop, what’s the Chief’s number, again? I don’t think I have it.”

“Oh, it’s 9-1-1.”

“Okay,” he nods and sits back. “Makes sense.”

 

If you’d like to hear my Writers On The Beat podcast interview with Kent The Cop, you can link to it here:

https://soundcloud.com/authorsontheair/kent-the-cop-a-drug-recognition-expert-talks-abuse-impairment-realities

Thanks for the read. Be safe out there.

–*Gavin

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