Police Life

The Craziest Thing

If you aren’t already aware, my wife’s office parties.  Because a few folks there know what I do, I eventually get dimed out when a stranger confirms in front of other strangers that I’m a cop.  Out of respect for my wife and her peers, I have to come clean.  Then, the conversation goes one of two ways: (1) I get an earful about an asshole cop who stopped him for no reason, yelled at him like a child, and gave him a ticket he didn’t deserve, but he just paid it to avoid the pointless hassle of participating in the rigged court system, or, (2) “What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen?”

Let’s skip (1) for now, suffice it to say, “I don’t care.”  But, (2), let’s give that one its due.  First, friend, I don’t know you.  Your inquiry, if you weren’t aware (and I don’t think you are), brings up memories of tragedy and horror, just so you can hear a “cool story.”  Even after all these years, I’m still not sure what you’re after, anyway.  Comedy?  Tragedy?  Horror?  Cheeky shenanigans?  Incredulous acts?  Drug-fueled murder?  Actual details about the “craziest thing” I’ve ever seen will likely send you home early and make you cry your hipster mustache to sleep tonight.  But, there’s usually a small crowd gathered around the hipster with a last-name-first-name, so, I have to say something.  And, I can’t EVER be this honest about the question itself, so what do I do?

Here’s my solution: cute and sarcastic half-truth.  Even I don’t really want my truth.  So I assume you wanna think society isn’t actually so gruesome and soulless, and that cops’ reality isn’t all that bad.  So, until I know otherwise, I give ‘em bunnies and slapstick: “Man, thanks for asking, Parker.  Craziest?  Ever?  That’s tough.  But, there was this one call where a truckload of bunnies overturned on the freeway.  No, no bunnies were hurt, Parker, just real scared.  So, there’s white fluffy bunnies EVERYWHERE, and traffic is dead-stopped, and we have to corral the bunnies, pretty quick, you know, because it’s starting to get dark and the coyotes will get ‘em tonight if we don’t.  We’re all in a panic because, you know, we gotta save the bunnies and get the road opened up, and none of us has ever herded or corralled bunnies before.  Turns out, the bunnies once belonged to a local circus that went bankrupt, so they’re trained, and the truck driver had freed them from circus bunny slavery a few months back.  All the driver had to do, and you’re not gonna believe this, Parker, but all he had to do was play ‘Yakety Sax’ over a loudspeaker inside the trailer, and all the bunnies hopped right back inside.  They hear that every time they get fed, so, really, the hungry bunnies all saved themselves that day.  Totally crazy, right?”

You wanna hear what Hank actually doesn’t wanna know?  Current Crazy Five, in no discernible order: Child raped by adopted teen sibling, Murder-double-suicide plot, Drug traffickers executed and burned, Driver murdered because teens were tired of walking, and, Woman threatens suicide because parents forbid her from continued sex with her married uncle.  Wish the bunny story was the true answer?  Me, too, friend, me, too.

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