One of the common themes in cop shows and movies is the prank. Pulling pranks and practical jokes on the squadmates is among my other favorite pastimes. I thought I’d share a few of my favorites with you, some of which I’ve seen, others I’ve instigated, and a few, well, I’d best say I heard about someone who once did such a thing. Kids, don’t try these at home, unless your state prohibits corporal punishment or your company has an “In-Humane Resources” department. And now, in no particular order, the Some of the Things Cops (Allegedly) Do To Each Other:
- One of our most experienced street cops had a bad week. Couldn’t do anything right, Murphy was out to get him. Probably couldn’t even properly butter his bread. How did we help? We drove around all night getting job applications from every convenience store, fast food joint, and adult video store. Stuffed his mailbox full of that shit. Know what he did? He got pissed off at us, took his focus off his mistakes, and his ship righted itself. You’re welcome, K. Happy to help.
- One of my squadmates was a miserable, unhappy sack. Couldn’t get his shit together. Uniform looked like shit, and we decided he’d just been re-wearing it for weeks. How do you make your adult coworker wash their clothes? Pour baby powder in their squad’s air vents and leave the fan on high. He started the car, poof, covered in fine white silt, and no chance he’ll wear that shirt-in-a-can again tomorrow.
- One of my old bosses was terrified of snakes. Not scared, not Legit terrified. How do you help someone overcome a phobia? That’s right, you force them to confront it head-on inside a small, confined space with little chance of escape. Not with a live snake, of course, we’re not monsters! But, if you move their assigned squad so it faces into the sun at the start of the shift and put a rubber snake on top of the sunvisor, you’ve got a recipe to reap love and healing. And, they’re less likely to wreck when they flip the visor down, catch of lap full of “snake,” and try to teleport themselves outta the car. I hear, though, this might cause HR issues in some places. Proceed with caution.
- If a guy from another shift wrecks his squad and borrows yours, arrests a leaky drunk, and forgets to clean the vomit, urine, and excrement out of the backseat, you can’t just let that go. You might wanna consider leaving a bowl of buttermilk and fish under the front seat of their car when it comes back from the shop. Especially if it can stay locked in there for all three of their consecutive days off…in August. Or, drop the fish on the manifold and let it ride. Dealer’s Choice.
- Let’s say your partner stay logged into the computer and needs to learn a lessen about data security? Send the Chief an email from their account about his most-recent boneheaded decision and change his background to a Bronies photo.